Just Another Crack Fic
by VKCRACK
Summary: It was supposed to be just another normal day, but then... FAILURE! Just a lot of random crap with failed attempts at humor. Knock yourself out. Chapt 16: Which is actually Chapter 13: Something about Masks, Zero, and Unicorns.
1. Lay Off the Crack, Bitch!

**VKCRACK: **Welcome to my first Vampire Knight Fic. It's pure crack due to my addiction to AMP. All characters are and will be out of character. Nothing is serious. It's failure in the face. Eat it…. So yeah. Enjoy! :)

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Vampire Knight, fools!

Chapter one: Lay off the crack, bitch!

It was just a normal day at Cross Academy; the mass of female students from the day class swarmed near the gates awaiting the princes of the night class. Zero couldn't help but to roll his eyes at the sight of the obnoxious girls. Could they get any lamer?

"BACK UP! THE NIGHT CLASS IS COMING!" Zero looked over at the woman of his affections and couldn't help but smile at her frustration. Her pain was his pleasure. And oh what a pleasure it was to see her getting aggravated as she obtained possible bruises from having to deal with those noisy freaks. But he didn't have long to stare at the girl. The gates opened and the beautiful vampires walked out, some greeting their fans, while others moved on ignoring them all together. Zero chuckled but stopped when he looked at Yuuki and they way she drooled over Kaname. Such bullshit it was!

"Why thank you for your help, Yuuki." Zero cringed upon hearing Kaname's sickeningly sweet words towards the blushing and stumbling Yuuki. As if they would ever make such a nice couple.

"I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it's my pleasure." Disgusting was the only word that crossed his mind. Man, would she ever stop being so blind to his real love? Probably not, he figured.

"Yuuki, back to work!" He shouted. He received a glare from the Prince of Homos, as Zero liked to think of them, and couldn't help but stick his tongue out. So the Night class managed to go to their dumb class that they never pay attention to. Zero sighed as the last of the night class obsessers left the vicinity. "Time to do our rounds. Don't get killed." Zero darted off and went to his special corner to wallow in self pity. He could never get Yuuki! He wasn't as gorgeous as the other men! He cried tears of pain and could feel the darkness crushing his barely beating heart. Life was too cruel! So, while Zero cried in emoness, a dark shadowy figure slowly approached him before jumping down in front of him. The crying boy didn't notice anything until the strange person grabbed a hold of him. All that was left was his blood tablets. Zero couldn't scream; tape was put over his mouth, muffling any and all sounds that came from him. As for moving, he was immobile from bindings. He heard a cold laugh echo in his ear before he was knocked it. Was it Kaname?

Kaname smirked as he looked down at his newly acquired toy. Kiryuu Zero was just too perfect! "You are mine now! MUWAHAHAHAHA!"

**VKCRACK: **Yup.... That was chapter one...! Chapter two coming soon!


	2. Zero's Kidnapper

**VKCRACK:** Hey! I'm back and I have a surprise! Chapter two! YAY! So, I was not expecting to actually get reviews or anything. Thank you everyone for the reviews and taking the time to read this shit! You guys are like awesome! Cookies all around! So, I decided that every time I type up a chapter, I'll go ahead and post them so I won't take years to update. So hopefully everyone'll be happy. Also: forgive for any lame chapters; I don't always get my Amp and it's hard to be funny. So, ENJOY!

Hanamaru and Kagome 873: Thank you, guys! I hope I can keep you entertained!

Georgisakura: Don't worry, they are definitely on the list to be done. Can't leave the Pocky Monsters out!

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own VK… Damn my life…

Chapter two: Zero's Kidnapper!

So, Zero woke up, his head pounding as if a hammer was constantly being smashed into his skull repeatedly. But there was nothing he could do, he realized, as he tried to move. Chains held his wrists inches above his head while his feet were shackled to the ground, leaving him immobile. The stone was cold against his flesh and was becoming quite annoying to the hunter. Tears began to prick at the corner of his eyes as he struggled to remain calm, but it was hard. Life was too difficult! Here he was trapped in a dark dungeon with no real air circulation and it was stuffy and growing a little hot. Before a sob could escape his mouth, Kaname burst through the door, only in pants with a whip in hand. Zero's eyes widened.

"K-Kuran…. What the fuck is that in your hand?!" Zero couldn't help but ask the obvious question as he became sick with fear. "I-I've always been a good boy, well minus the time I sucked on Yuuki's blood. And then there was the time when I broke the Chairman's desk. Oh! And I yelled at this one girl. And then I declined a dance with another and made her cry. OH! OH! I also said a lot of mean things… about you. But that's okay since we aren't friends. And then there were-"

Kaname stared at Zero blankly as he listened to the poor confession of the low life. "O-Okay! Shut up, I've heard enough, you little tiger shrimp! It's time for puni-" Before Kaname could say anything else, the dungeon door slammed open and a blinding white light poured into the dank dungeon.

"Enough you evil tiny man… Vampire thing that you are! Unhand that defenseless hunter, or I, Yuuki Cross of Cross Academy, number one Guardian, will punish you with a never ending suspension from this school! And I will be sure to torture you before doing so! I will let all the horrible Day class girls eat you alive while they rape you with ribbons and flowers and sing terrible songs in their tone-deaf voices! And… I will let Aidou smack you!" The girl let out a high pitch laugh making both boys cringe from the piercing noise….

"What the hell!?" Kiryuu Zero woke with a start from a nightmare. He sat up, the blankets falling down towards his waist as he ran a hand through his slightly damp hair. It was horrible… Being kidnapped by the man he hated most was worse than falling completely into Level E, being killed painfully, being laughed at by the devil, and then being tortured for thousands of years in the deepest pit of hell. A chill ran down his spine. After a moment, sleep began to overwhelm him. It wasn't long before Zero fell backwards onto his pillow and fell into a fitful sleep.


	3. A Baby Tree LOLZ

**VKCRACK:** Okay, so chapter 6 is in the works right now, so I figured I'd be nice and go ahead and post chapter three! W00T! So, I get to go out today and I think I'm going to buy and Amp. I haven't had any lately and it's kind of depressing… It's like emoness…. EMO! Okay, anyways! So, here's chapter three! I hope you all enjoy! ^O^

**Disclaimer**:And I still… do not… own VK…. Still makes me cry.

Chapter three: A baby tree LOLZ

Once upon a time, Yuuki walked over to the Night class dorm, bored out of her wee little mind. So she decided to pay Kaname a visit. It didn't take long before she reached the ominous building containing so much evil and power that it could suffocate. But her happy personality prevented her from feeling anything. So, she walked past the old man and headed up to the dorm entrance. After a couple of turns in the hall and being forced to walk up several flights of stairs, she came upon Kaname's room. The girl didn't bother knocking as she barged in.

"Who, what?! Oh… Yuuki… it's you…" Kaname said with a roll of his eyes. Her daily visits were becoming quite annoying and he didn't know how many more he could possibly take. He said and took a seat on his lounge chair and placed a hand of his eyes. "What do you want this time?"

"I was curious about your family. I mean… as revealed in the manga, we can't truly be related, and if that was the case, then you and Shiki would REALLY be cousins and we would be having incesty problems… and things would get yucky. So where did Kaname-senpai come from?" She sat down on his laps, something he glared at. It went unnoticed.

"Let's see… Once upon a time, in a nearby village of vampires, there was a tree. Now this tree seemed to be very ordinary until one day an old, ugly and batty woman came up to it and dumped out some nasty smelling green liquid. The tree began to shift and make strange noises. The vampire in charge ran over to the woman and sucked her dry. A few days later, he died. But that's not important.

"So the tree finally stopped being all crazy as if it was having steroid problems and finally settled. That's when the other villagers noticed a small acorn that was blue, growing on the tree. Every day it seemed to get bigger and bigger until it finally was the size of a baby. The villagers decided to cut it down. There were some grumbling stomachs among the crowds so they opened the acorn. Inside they found me. They knew I was a pureblood so all the families began to bicker. That was until the Kuran family came over and snatched the baby from the broken nut. "This is our baby since this is our tree on our land. So back off, bitches!" The oldest Kuran shouted. And the villagers did. The end." Kaname looked over at Yuuki and smiled. "So, what do you think?"

Yuuki was silent as she pondered the story. Something was quite odd about it, and it was bothering her. She finally looked up at him after a long while. "What happened to the pig chasing the butterfly?"

Kaname winced slightly. He had no idea how to respond to the touchy subject she brought up. But it was the main important event that took place in the story.

"You see, Yuuki, the pig, Berrycool, was hungry. That's why he chased the butterfly. But then, a sparrow came out of nowhere and stabbed him in the eye. After that, he lost track of the butterfly. Even though food was offered, he just wouldn't eat it… So he died. No one knows what happened to the butterfly. It could have been eaten, died, or even flying around Berrycool's grave." He couldn't help but pull the crying girl closer to him. "It's okay, he will always be remembered as the brave little pig that had none." After a few sniffles, Kaname shoved Yuuki out of his lap. "Go away. I need my beauty sleep." Yuuki got up, dusted herself off and walked out.

To this day, Berrycool and the Magical tree live as best friends in the strange place called heaven. May they rest in peace!

**VKCRACK:** So I realized that I didn't put a little message in the last chapter… I'm a horrible person. Anyways! Chapter 4 should hopefully be coming soon. Hahaha… Next up is Ruka… Oh yes! FEAR MEH! *cough cough* Yeah… laterz guys! And remember: Always chew on the windowsills. Unless they have lead paint… then you want to eat it!


	4. Who's a Stalker? Ruka!

**VKCRACK:** So, I'm currently working on the 7th chapter. So far, it's going kind of slow. I am waaaay over due for some flippin' AMP. I mean… Ugh. But anyways! Hopefully I'll be able to finish within a few days so I can post the next chapter. Well, Enjoy guys! PS: I LOVE YOU ALL! THANKS FOR READING THIS SHIT! It's an Epic Win, guys!

**Disclaimer:** … nope. It's definitely not mine…. I DIDN'T DO IT! …. Or so they think.

Chapter 4: Who's a stalker? Ruka!

She walked briskly down the hall, hurrying to chase after Kaname. After all, there was a piece of hair barely clinging to his white jacket. She wanted it, needed it in order to complete her special treasure. She gently brushed against the tall man as she took the long strand of hair and held it tightly in her left fist. Kaname turned to face her from the contact he was receiving.

"Yes, can I help you with something, Ruka?" It took all of Kaname's strength to try to keep from rolling his eyes in pure annoyance. He couldn't stand the sight of her and it seemed that every time he wanted to away from her, she was always there, lurking around in the shadows. He could swear that her eyes would glint with some creepy glint that gave him an unsettling feeling.

Ruka's cheeks burned brightly from being caught. Normally she always did such a fantastic job of sticking to the shadows, not even a cricket could notice her. But this time, there was no exception. She bowed her head slightly in apology. "I-I'm sorry, Kaname-sama. There was a bug crawling on you and I didn't want to startle you or anything. Please forgive me for touching you." Ruka moved up closer to him just as she tilted her head upwards, beating her lashes in what was supposed to be a flirty manner. Kaname couldn't help but cringe ever so slightly.

"Um, right, well then I need to go. I have some important things to attend to. Come, Ichijou," Kaname said quickly as he quickly walked away, Ichijou in tow.

Ruka watched with fiery eyes as Kaname's figure slowly disappeared in the distance. Once he was gone, Ruka made a sharp u-turn and headed straight for her dorm. Only several minutes passed when she reached her dorm, shared with Rima, and walked on. She hardly gave a brief nod of the head to acknowledge the pocky eating monster, and instead went straight to their closet. She threw open the doors and walked in until she reached the back left corner. There she fell to her knees and ripped off a small, black curtain that hung from the railing to the wall. Behind it was a shrine containing what seemed like hundreds of photos, nail clippings collected from the trash, a pair of unwashed boxers, a ring he hardly wore, a piece of gum that had been chewed, a tissue he used to sneeze in, his favorite pen, a text book from last year, a piece of a sheet from his bed, his old blood tablet case, an old quiz they had taken, and a few other odds and ends. Ruka pulled out a clear baggie from under the small table and placed the hair inside.

"Oh, great Kaname-sama, captor of my heart and master of my body… I pray you will feed from me and gain even more power," She mumbled. At that moment, Rima popped her head inside.

"Ruka, what are you doing?" Rima asked, somewhat cautiously with an edge of fear. Ruka was doing crazy stuff again. She just might have to crash with Shiki and Ichijou… Again!

"Mine… All mine… Hehehehe… I will have him… He wants me and only me. He wants my blood. He loves me. I will have his babies…. Heeeeheeeeheee…." Ruka began to rock back and forth, as she stroked all the objects taken from Kaname. Rima just backed out of the room, still eating her pocky, and hurried over to Shiki and Ichijou's.

MEANWHILE!

Kaname looked through his drawer, searching for his favorite pair of boxers. But they were gone. It's like they grew two legs and ran off…

"Damn… where did I put them?" At that moment, Kaname turned to Ichijou. "Are you wearing MY BOXERS again? I thought we talked about this already!" Kaname shouted.

"It wasn't me! I swear." Kaname sneezed.

**VKCRACK:** And that was Vampire Knight in a nutshell! Except not really… There's more drama than that. So anyways! Like I said earlier, I should hopefully be finishing chapter 7 at some point. So yeah… Uh… I love you guys. Marry me… JK! But I do love you all! Reviews are loved!


	5. Secret Life of a Vampire Teenager

**VKCRACK:** Sorry for such a long wait, guys! I finally got my Amp after my friend surprised me with one! It was like magic… So anyways! Thank you again to all that are reading! I worship you all. So yeah. Enjoy chapter 5! And remember: Reviews are always loved.

**DISCLAIMER:** I figured that I can only claim VK as my own in my dreams… Like that'll ever happen. NOT MINE… only the ideas are.

Chapter 5: The Secret Life of a Vampire Teenager

Aidou walked into the shared dorm of him and Kain. It was empty of life, something the bored blonde was slightly grateful for, for once. His blue eyes glanced around the rather large room and landed on Kain's night stand. Curiosity began to plague his mind as he approached the small piece of furniture and sat on his cousin's bed. Often times he had caught his cousin writing in some little notebook. Yet every time the Idol of Cross Academy tried to even question, he was met with a glare that definitely said "If you dare even think about asking, I will do more than just pin you against the wall." A smirk crept onto Aidou's lips as he opened the top drawer and pulled out the small notebook (which happened to be conveniently placed by its self.) Without a moment's hesitation, he daringly opened the book to a random page and began to read.

June 1st

I wake up, take a shower, get dressed, deal with obnoxious fan girls, go to class, run out in the middle to kick ass, stalk Kaname with Ruka, pin Aidou against walls, drink blood, go back to class, head back to the dorms, go to sleep and repeat. GOD! It's like so annoying. Like seriously? OMG! Can't a guy just like have a like normal life? Like it's so annoying. And like my hair!

Okay, so I like woke up, right? And my hair was like a complete disaster zone. Like it was worse than like that damn emo kid… Zero! And like, that's like pretty fucking bad. OH NO! OH NO! I JUST LIKE CUSSED! LIKE IF SOME SMALL CHILD LIKE FOUND THIS AND READ I'D BE LIKE THROWN IN LIKE JAIL! …Like some small child will find this. So anyways! My hair looked as though like a tornado like had sex with like a hurricane. I like TRIED to wash it, but NO! It like had to be all stubborn. So like I went to Ruka and she like laughed at me but like finally let me in her room (which was like pretty messy for like a stuck up snob like her) and she like gave me this amazing hair gel! I was like soooo thankful! So like after I got my hair right, I had to like pin Aidou against the wall… AGAIN! (insert eye roll) Like he is totally immature the way he's all like "Kaname… I hate you but like I wanna be friends with you…" Like seriously Aidou? I have no idea why he's the school Idol. I mean, my ass is MUCH hotter and I'm like a tiger in the bed…. Though I've only slept with…. I… Okay, so like I don't know for sure, but like if I ever slept with Aidou, I would sooo like be on top. Like-

Aidou slammed the book closed more than disturbed. His cousin really thought about screwing him? His eye twitched, but quickly slipped out of his disturbed state just as the door opened revealing Kain. Aidou scurried like a rat to replace the small journal and stand in the middle of the room. Before a single word could be spoken, Kain had him pinned against the wall. Aidou's eyes widened as his blood began to run cold.

"Y-y-yes Kain?" He said, nervousness clearly ringing out.

"I heard you got an 'F' on your math test-" Kain didn't have a chance to finish as Aidou opened his mouth.

"D-do… ARE YOU GAY?!" There was a small pause before a small smirk crawled onto Kain's lips.

Lesson of the day: Don't eat Kaname's crackers…

**VKCRACK:** And that wraps up another lame chapter, guys! Hope you enjoyed and have a nice Amp filled day! Chapter 5: Aidou's up… again… though it's a bit more random and hilarious than this one… Very much so. See you all again soon!


	6. Aidou's Wild Imagination

**VKCRACK:** Okay, since I love everyone so much (and I got my Amp for the day), I decided to post up another chapter… Though that means I'll have two write out two more chapters before I post the next. Hopefully it won't be too long, since I already have some ideas formulating. Anyways, without further ado, I bring you chapter 6! So, enjoy ladies and gentlemen, and remember, reviews equal love.

PS: I love every last one of you for reading and/or reviewing. You guys are awesome. Also, if you have any requests, feel free to send them, post them, whatever and I'll try to meet your demands.

**DISCLAIMER:** Um… yeah. Still don't own it. Don't think that'll ever change.

Chapter 6: Aidou's Wild Imagination

The night class walked into the room and settled into their seats and usual conversations. But their play time didn't last for long as Yagari-sensei, who was blackmailed into still working as a teacher, walked in and slammed his books on the teacher's desk. He glared at his hated students for a long moment before clearing his throats.

"Okay, _class_, your reports are due today. But before you turn them in, we're going to share them." Everyone gasped in terrifying horror as a smirk spread across Yagari's face. His one eye glanced around the room until they paused on one student: Hanabusa Aidou. "Aidou, you go first."

Aidou jumped up in pure enthusiasm and ran to the front of the room, paper in hand. He stood smack dab next to Yagari and beamed up at him. Yagari stared at him in slight confusion before finally stepping aside and rolling his single eye. Kids were weird.

Aidou cleared his throat as he looked around the room at all the bored faces; Kaname was off in la-la-land with a dopey smile on his face. Shiki and Rima were having a silent argument over who had the last pocky. Ruka was leering at Kaname while Kain was peeking down her loose blouse. Ichijou was stabbing his eraser with a pencil and had a creepy and twisted smile on his lips. A chill went down his spine.

"Okay, here's my paper, guys. I know that since I'm better than all of you combined, you're going to be jealous, but do not fret, my friends! I will still respect and love all of you, except for you Ruka. I just can't stand you." Before he gave Ruka the chance to yell at him, he shouted loudly, "ANYWAYS, here it is:

"I am the one that flies through the city at night, saving the citizens who are being harassed and murdered by the ones known as Purebloods. Oh yes, they are truly evil and only one can stop them; Me. That's right! I am Super Barkingweaselman! I use my magical ice powers to banish those purebloods straight to the shadow realm where they have to play stupid card games meant for small children and get blown up by mere holograms! Oh yes, I am there true nightmare. And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how I got my start…

"Once upon a time, there was a small boy who was so cute and adorable that everybody loved him and wanted to be just like him!

"'Oh, he's my hero! I want to marry him!' Said little Ruka, her eyes shining with passion and unknown lust." Aidou was interrupted at that exact moment by Ruka.

"Aidou, as if I would ever stare or admire you like that. That's just dis-"

"Oh be quiet, Ruka, it's just a story! Now then, as I was _saying_…

"His cousin Kain would always wish to be just like him, but there were no hard feeling about anything. After all, they loved each other like brothers. So a-" Aidou didn't get to finish the sentence as Kain decided to speak up.

"Why are you fighting against Purebloods and not Level Es…?" There were a few murmured agreements.

"Well, they're the same things! So, like I was saying. So anyways, the small boy, though loved and wanted by all, never did exactly fit in. You see, unlike the rest of the plain vampires he hung around, he had a magical gift of ice which could be deadly if not used properly. The boy had to keep this a secret or society would shun the poor kid. So life was pretty hard for him. What was a kid to do with this kind of power, anyways?

"Then one day, the small boy was walking down the street in town when he suddenly heard a loud scream. Curiosity getting the best of him, the boy ran towards a dark alley. There he saw a poor old woman who was practically blind getting attack by some Level E pureblood thing. So, with nothing else to do, the boy began to through ice shards at it. Well, that pissed off the monster creature thingymabobor 'cause it started to attack the poor boy. He turned to run but slipped in a puddle. At that exact moment, as the boy turned to block his face with his free hand, ice shot forth from that same hand and straight into its face! IT WAS LIKE BAM! IMMA GONNA EAT YA! It was hardcore! The woman got up off the ground and stumbled over to the boy and helped him off the ground.

"'Thank you so much, little boy. I greatly appreciate it!' The woman said kindly. The boy just smiled and turned to leave. When he got home and was safely in his room, he came up with a plan; he would become a superhero and be loved by every little vampire out there, except those that he killed. They would probably hate him, but that's okay. Because they knew they wouldn't last for long. So ever since that day, that boy, which happens to be me, guys, is Super Barkingweaselman. Oh! And I guess you want to know how he got his name, right? Well… He likes weasels… They remind him of Kain and Kain likes barking women like Ruka… So yeah. Super Barkingweaselman… But I guess I'm a vampire, not a man… So Uh… It's now Super Barkingweaselvamp. So if you're ever in danger, you know where to find me!" Aidou put his paper down on Yagari's desk and grinned at the room.

"Um… That was… get the fuck out of my class right now," Yagari said as he pointed with his free hand, his other busy holding his face from shame, towards the door. New victim to add to his list: Hanabusa Aidou. Reason: Too stupid to be allowed to live.

"But…" Aidou smiled. "I knew I should have toned down the awesomeness of my paper! You just can't handle the truth. Don't w-"

"OUT!" Yagari shouted. Not only was he going to demand a pay raise, but he was going to need a damn good therapist.

**VKCRACK:** And that's a wrap! I hope you all enjoyed this. I think I might do a similar idea for a later chapter using Ichijou. I think it'd be a bit amusing. So anyways, I hoped you guys liked it. And see you all in chapter seven… Which involves *insert drumroll*THE POCKY MONSTERS OF CROSS ACADEMY! Oh yeah, you know who they are.


	7. I Choose You, Shikipu!

**VKCRACK:** Okay, so it's been a while since I posted anything. I blame friends and school; very distracting. So, I did manage to write another chapter, (I just have to type it up), so we all know what that means: ANOTHER CHAPTER! YAY! I hope you guys don't kill me for the comparison I made. But I just couldn't resist it! There is an alternate to where this went, so I'm most likely going to post it in the next couple of days. So without further ado, I give you chapter 7!

**DISCLAIMER:** Not mine…

Chapter 7: I Choose You, Shikipu!

Rima sat outside of the doors, munching on her pocky like the little pocky monster she was. The day was hot and she couldn't help but glare at the glowing ball of hot fiery gas that would one day blow up and destroy the whole solar system as we knew it. But we have like 3 gatrillion years before that shit ever happens!

"Man, if I get a damn sunburn because I had to wait on his stupid ass, then I will murder him. Oh yes, murder him I will. First I will take away all his pocky and eat it in front of his very eyes. Then I will strip in front of him, knowing he could never touch and then I will get the scissors and cut off all his pretty and jagged locks. Next I won't let him bath, so he breaks out and will feel grimy. Next I'll make him watch Teletubbies and-"

"Rima, I finished…" Came Shiki's monotone voice. He walked towards the sitting girl and helped her up. "You weren't waiting long, were you?" He gently took her hand in his and began to lead her off towards the night dorm.

"No, but I feel a little crispy. Ugh. I _hate_ the sun, Shiki! Why do we have to live in a stupid place with all this sun, huh?! Why can't _we_ be like the Cullens from _Twilight_? I mean, they get to live in the states in this rainy place where it never shines so they can go out be okay! AND they get to be sparkly! I want to be sparkly too, Shiki! It isn't fair! I hate you!" Rima let out a small snort of frustration as she began to stomp her feet.

"Oh shut the hell up about that stupid book! It's already bad enough that Kaname's like Edward with his stupid little 'I love but can't be with you' shit, and that Yuki is pretty much a living Bella and Zero! He's fucking Jacob! What the hell! You might as well be Angela and I be that stupid Ben guy! Oh crap…. That would make so much sense…" Shiki's eyes widened in disbelief at the crazy connection. "The Vamp council is like the Volturi. And those hunters are kind of like Jacob's pack and and… Ruka is like that Jessica girl… WHAT THE HELL! NO! NO! THIS IS NOT ALLOWED! I REF-" Rima shoved a stick of pocky in his mouth.

"Why do I have to be that goody two shoes, huh? If anything, I'm more like Rosalie since I think Kaname is stupid for liking that human so much… But you're nothing like Emmett…" She fell silent as she looked at Shiki.

"Well, who would be Alice and Jasper and Charlie and Esme and and… Carlisle?" Shiki, though he hated the series and wished nothing more than for it to disappear, couldn't help but wonder.

"Oh I don't know…"

"And what about me?'

"You would be the stupid Pikachu guy from Digimon. You sound like him every time you talk, but instead you say my name." Shiki paused in mid step as Rima continued onwards. She was a true blond sometimes.

ELSEWHERE:

Yuki looked out the window of her room, her hands clenching tightly onto the two love letters in her hand. She wanted nothing more than to be with the vampire… But there was Zero to think of and how he was changing into something she didn't know of. She couldn't hurt the hunter, but at the same time, she couldn't deny her loving Kaname… If only she could have them do the fusion dance and marry the outcome.

**VKCRACK: **Yeah… enough said about that. The alternative chapter will come after this once I finish it up completely. So, as always, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed, and see you next time. And remember folks, reviews are welcomed.


	8. 7pt5: I Choose You, Shikipu! Alt

**VKCRACK:** Okay, so I didn't have much to finish. The ending was an Epic fail. I didn't know where to really go, so yeah. Forgive me for my lameness. Anyways! Hope you guys get a little entertainment out of this.

PS: Thank you my readers for actually reading this! You guys are my heroes, you know.

**DISCLAIMER:** Just my ideas… That's all I own!

Original chapter 7 of Crack fic

Rima sat outside of the doors, munching on her pocky like the little pocky monster she was. The day was hot and she couldn't help but glare at the glowing ball of hot fiery gas that would one day blow up and destroy the whole solar system as we knew it. But we have like 3 gatrillion years before that shit ever happens!

"Man, if I get a damn sunburn because I had to wait on his stupid ass, then I will murder him. Oh yes, murder him I will. First I will take away all his pocky and eat it in front of his very eyes. Then I will strip in front of him, knowing he could never touch and then I will get the scissors and cut off all his pretty and jagged locks. Next I won't let him bath, so he breaks out and will feel grimy. Next I'll make him watch Teletubbies and-"

"Rima, I finished…" Came Shiki's monotone voice. He walked towards the sitting girl and helped her up. "You weren't waiting long, were you?" He gently took her hand in his and began to lead her off towards the night dorm.

"No, but I feel a little crispy. Ugh. I _hate_ the sun, Shiki! Why do we have to live in a stupid place with all this sun, huh?! Why can't _we_ be like the Cullens from _Twilight_? I mean, they get to live in the states in this rainy place where it never shines so they can go out be okay! AND they get to be sparkly! I want to be sparkly too, Shiki! It isn't fair! I hate you!" Rima let out a small snort of frustration as she began to stomp her feet.

"Oh shut the hell up about that stupid book! It's already bad enough that Kaname's like Edward with his stupid little 'I love but can't be with you' shit, and that Yuki is pretty much a living Bella and Zero! He's fucking Jacob! What the hell! You might as well be Angela and I be that stupid Ben guy! Oh crap…. That would make so much sense…" Shiki's eyes widened in disbelief at the crazy connection. "The Vamp council is like the Volturi. And those hunters are kind of like Jacob's pack and and… Ruka is like that Jessica girl… WHAT THE HELL! NO! NO! THIS IS NOT ALLOWED! I REF-" Rima shoved a stick of pocky in his mouth.

"Oh, we're at the dorms. Time to go up all those stairs… Hope we don't get lost." Shiki nodded his head in agreement as they headed made their way to Shiki's room.

Ichijou was going to be having a sleepover adventure with Kaname, so Rima decided to have one with her lovely little lover.

"I choose you, Shikipu…"

"Shikipu…? Where did that come from?"

"You aren't Pikachu. So Shikipu it is." Rima ate another stick of pocky.

"If I'm Shikipu, then you're Rimanu," he said as he stole another one of her sticks of pocky. Just then they arrived and entered the room. They got to work in building a fort with the large beds and all the blankets.

A couple of hours later, after making out, tickling one another, singing songs of friendship and bloodshed, all the while watching movies, they both reached for the box of pocky. They looked at one another for a long moment. There was only one stick left.

"Don't touch it. Let me check to see if there is another box somewhere in here. You go check your room to see if you have any more. Then we'll regroup with our findings. It's okay! WE CAN DO THIS!" Shiki pumped his fist in the air as Rima gave a sharp nod of her head. Both stood and went their separate ways, but then turned to face each other.

"I'm taking the pocky with me so you won't eat it," Rima said as she placed her hands on her hips. It was getting serious…. Apparently.

"And what's keeping you from eating it, huh? I know I'm not a fat ass so I won't be shoving it in my mouth the second I step out of the room." Shiki smirked, but his face fell as she ran over to him and punched him with all the strength she could muster.

"I AM NOT A FAT ASS! I'll have you know that I am a perfect one-oh-five! Heh, and I know you aren't talking since I heard your manager saying you needed to lose ten pounds."

Shiki let out a loud gasp. "Y-you heard that, did you?" Shiki dropped his head in shame and embarrassment.

"Oh, it's okay Shiki. Not everyone can be perfect like me…" Rima put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I know, but it's just… It's so hard!" He began to sniffle as tears began to flood his eyes.

"Don't worry about it. Listen, let's just go search for our pocky, shall we? We'll have Kaname babysit out little lovekinpu!" Rima picked up the box before grabbing a hold of Shiki's hand. Together they skipped down the hall, smiling as they sung about happy rainbows and tiny little butterflies and Berrycool.

"Kaname –samaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! WE NEED YOUR HELP!" Rima called out happily.

Kaname shot up and looked down at Ichijou. "Oh no… it's the Pocky monster twins! What'll we do?!" He looked around frantically for an escape. The windows just weren't an option! They were like ten feet off the ground. Instant death for sure, but maybe…

"No! We can't kill ourselves…! We just… we just have to face them. The sooner we do, the faster they'll disappear." Ichijou began to mentally and physically prepare himself. He was already stuffing a pillow up his shirt by the time Kaname could finally speak.

"But… my hair! Remember what they did last time? They got chocolate in it! It was so icky! Ichijou… I don't want them…" Kaname pouted and pleaded as the constant knocking and giggling began.

"It'll be okay. We'll make it out alive." By know, Ichijou had another pillow down his pants and one tied to his head. He grabbed the alarm clock off of Kaname's night table in case he had to beat them off. They both crept towards the door, Kaname cowering behind Ichijou. They looked at each other and silently counted till three before cracking open the door.

"W-what is it you want? If it's money… We'll give it to you! J-just go away!" Shiki and Rima stared at their dorm vice president and laughed.

"Um, we need you to babysit our child. We need to find the others before we eat him and we don't trust each other enough," Shiki said as he held out the next to empty box.

"One moment…" Ichijou ducked back inside the room and turned towards Kaname, terror reflecting in his eyes. "They want us to babysit their spawn…"

"I-I don't know about this… It could be extremely dangerous…"

"I know… but they'll go away and it'll be okay for a little away…" Ichijou tried to smooth the president's worries, but it was like a failure. Kaname Just stuck out his tongue and walked over towards his chaise lounge and flopped down, draping an arm over his face.

"I suppose I shall pass away by the murder of the evil spawn child… All that will remain is my luscious hair, clinging to that of my dried out skeleton."

Ichijou opened the door a crack again and looked at the two. "Uh… yes, we shall watch your… child."

"That would be so fantastical! Thank you! Now onwards, my sex-slave! We shall now search for our delicious treat! Hohohohoho…" Rima skipped off, dragging a grinning Shiki behind her.

"I like apricots."

After closing the door, he looked down at the pocky box. "Their child… is a pocky stick? I should have seen that coming."

ELSEWHERE!

Shiki and Rima tore the dorm apart, throwing furniture out the window after emptying drawer after drawer all over the floor. There was none of those slender, chocolate covered sticks that just melted in your mouth to be found. In fact, there weren't any kind of sweets to be found. Shiki and Rima raced to meet each other in the hall.

"NOTHING!" They shouted in unison.

"There was nothing in any of the rooms or bathrooms!" Tears began to cascade down her cheeks as she tugged on her pigtails.

"I-I know! I looked too…. W-what are we supposed do now? Rima, I-I don't think we're going to make it…" Shiki glanced towards the window. The sun was still bright and shiny, signaling them NOT to go out.

"We'll just have to wait it out. We have one stick left. Maybe we could split it in half," She suggested.

"NO! You want the chocolate all for yourself! I knew it! You think I'm fat!" Shiki began to sob loudly.

"That's not it! We just have no other way. This could be the end of us!" Rima was beginning to panic.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!" It was a race now, a race to see who could reach their stick first. But again, it was another failure. Both teens crashed into Kaname's room and tackled the president, breaking his little lounge in the process.

"GIVE IT TO ME NOW, KANAME-SAMA! I NEED IT MORE THAN SHIKI!" Rima shouted as she began to claw away at his face.

"NO! IT WAS MY BOX SO IT'S MY STICK TO EAT!" Shiki screamed. His fists were busily ramming into the presidents hardened stomach. By now, he was passed out. A small crunch cause both to pause in mid action. The crunch was so familiar; they could just taste the treat that instantly fell onto the tongue, making their taste buds understand what it was like to live. Slowly, they turned to face their new sworn enemy. They watched with anger flickering across their faces as Ichijou consumed the last of the sticks.

"You… You…!" Rima couldn't even get the words out as she quickly lashed out. Shiki was close behind her as they began attacking. Their withdrawals were clearly evident.

"WAIT! I HAVE SOME FOR YOU!!!" Ichijou lifted his hands in defense. His words were enough for them to pause only momentarily.

"Where is it, Ichijou? If you don't give it to us, we will tell everyone that you have the hots for Cross-san…" And evil grin crossed her lips.

"That and we'll tell everyone that you daydream about braiding Kaname's hair and dressing up as fairy princess," Shiki added with as much joy as a teenager stealing candy from a baby. Oh and how delightful it felt.

"O-okay! Here!" Ichijou turned towards the closet, moving far from them. At the last second, he charged for the door. "APRIL FOOLS!"

It was only two days before the bodies of Kaname and Ichijou were found and the Pocky monsters forever gone…

ELSE WHERE:

Shiki and Rima had run to the forest to avoid ever being caught. They found a small cabin in which they stayed and enjoyed their snack. Until one day…

"It's the last one…" Shiki muttered. He quickly glanced at Rima. This was battle.

ELSEWHERE:

Berrycool smiled.

**VKCRACK:** And there we have it guys! Sorry for the failure. I just got down spending 4-5 hours writing a paper on the plague. So anyways, Chapter 8 will probably be coming very soon (like today or maybe tomorrow). So look forward to that. I don't know who's up, but whoever it is deals with barbies. Oh the excitement. And remember, I take requests if you want me to do a chapter for a specific character. And as always, reviews are loved. Have a nice day/night!


	9. 8: If I Was a Barbie

**VKCRACK: ** Yeah, so I can't stop writing… But this should satisfy everyone for the time being until I come up with some better stuff. Hope you enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER:** I hate the plague almost as much as not owning VK.

Chapter Eight: If I Was a Barbie…

It was a bright, sunny Thursday morning. Yuki dragged herself into the classroom and plopped herself down in the chair. The air around her seemed to darken as she pulled out her report. She was in no mood to share her peace of crap. She glanced over to her left and jumped slightly. Her darling roommate was already staring at her with that creepy look of concern. Sometimes Yuki couldn't help but wonder if she was straight or a little curved.

"Oh, Yuki! You poor girl," Yori squealed before pulling her into a hug. Yori's fingers automatically began to stroke Yuki's hair. "Don't worry, I promise I will go in your place!" At that exact moment, the teacher, some generic little man, walked in.

"Okay, class!" He said smiling with such enthusiasm that it was enough to make one student stand and leave the class to puke.

"Teacher! Please, I'm desperate to share my project! Please allow me to go first!" Tears began to fall from her cheeks.

"Uh, okay… if you insist….?" He stepped aside, making way for the bouncing child.

"Okay, class! I did my project on a hypothetical question. So there really wasn't much of an experiment conducted or any research. After all, this is based only on myself." There were a few groans as almost every student in the room assumed it was something complex that would pass over their heads. After all, she was the smartest next to the student council president. "My hypothetical question was: What would my life be like if I were a Barbie?"

At the mere mention of the toy dolls, played with by SMALL CHILDREN, heads began to snap up. They looked around the room trying to see if they heard the brainiac correctly.

"If I was a Barbie, I would have long skinny legs, luscious lips, a curvaceous body, and perfect short, blonde hair. I could wear anything my heart desires and I would never have to worry about aging or wrinkles. I would always be flawless and girls, and boys, would always want to play with me. It' be just like the song!

"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world! Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere! Imagination that is your creation!" Yori couldn't resist as she began to do the Macarena. She finally reached Zero's desk and sat upon it. "I would so be Aidou's little dolly and he would be my little hero… I just can't resist him any longer!" As quickly as she sat she stood up. "I need him! I'm tired of crying my eyes out like a baby. I want to be perfect just for him… I can't take this!" Yori burst out into tears as she ran out of the building into the courtyard. And like magic, she saw Aidou.

"Uh… Yuri…Yumi..Yuni… Uh, YU! Um, what's wrong?" Aidou couldn't help but feel a little concerned.

"Aidou, I love you and want to have your babies! PLEASE! MARRY ME!" Fire burned in Yori's eyes as she glared at the blonde vampire in front of her.

"W-w-what?! Bu-bu-but… But I… I don't wanna marry you! Why are you being so mean and creepy! I didn't do anything!" Tears began to fill his eyes, melting his icy orbs. "I want Kain!" Aidou ran off back to the dorms and away from his stalker.

Elsewhere:

Ruka looked up at the large cupboard in the hall. She just couldn't take the rejection of her blood any longer. It was too painful. Ruka climbed inside, and began to cry. Unbeknown to her, two men walked in and began taping the doors closed.

"So where's this going, Fred?" George asked as he leaned it on to the dolly.

"It's going to the Himalayas to some creepster's house. I think his name was like… Um… Some Senri Rido guy." He replied dully as they began pushing the cart. Kain and Aidou watched from the crack in their door.

"Um, should we tell them that someone's in there?" As much as Aidou hated the woman, he couldn't help but worry.

"Nah, she'll be fine. Maybe it'll teach her some value lessons, like don't stand whirlpool or you'll drown." Kain burst into a fit of giggles at the thought. Oh he loved life.

Lesson of the day: Tomatoes really are a fruit!

**VKCRACK:** Yeah… The end of that! So, I'm calling it a night. I hope you guys found some small amount of laughter from this thing. Remember: Reviews welcomed and requests are accepted. Hell, I'll even take chapter challenges. Well, good day/night, guys. I love you all!


	10. 9: A Bunny, Yo!

**VKCRACK:** So, here's a request for XxStevexX! It's rather dumb, and I deeply apologize. I'll do a rewrite eventually when I'm more hyped up. But yeah, I guess try to enjoy my true failure. Happy Easter guys! (And for those who don't celebrate: Happy Sunday!)

To my dear readers: Thank you for reading this shit. Each and every one of you are my hero. YAY!

BTW: Amps pwn all.

**DISCLAIMER:** Don't own VK, Aladdin, Band-Aid, or… the Easter Bunny… I will get him one day…

Chapter 9: A BUNNY, YO!

It was dark, as it always at night. But this time, it was darker than normal. Thick black clouds hovered low in the sky threatening a storm. The air was still with humidity. It would be a crappy night to take a magic carpet ride.

Ichijou sat at the wooden desk in his room, bored out of wee little mind. It was never any fun when everyone else was busy. Kaname was having a heart to heart session with his theoretical cousin, Shiki. Rima and Ruka were busy giving each other facials. Kain and Aidou… Ichijou cringed. Kain was most likely trying to seduce the ever so dense Aidou into having sex0rz. He winced at the imaginary yaoi fangirls that would probably be screaming their damn heads off. Ugh, how he hated those obnoxious humans! They were as bad as Yuki!

Ichijou shook his head free of the terrible thoughts as he looked around his room for something to occupy him. Nothing seemed appealing to him. That was until his eyes rested on his calendar. Not only did it declare that Spring was officially here, but it also bragged that in some far away fantasy land, it was some strange holiday called Easter. Ichijou scratched his head for a moment as his green eyes drank in the appearance of the fat bunny in mid nibble of a carrot. He had no idea what the celebration was really about. All he knew was that there was some bunny that delivered joy, toys, and lots of candies to make everyone happy!

"We need Easter. I SHALL BE THE EASTER BUNNY! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He pumped his fist up in the air with enthusiasm before opening and rummaging through his drawer. From within, he pulled out his secret stash of construction paper of many assorted colors, his glitter glue, and his safety scissors from kindergarten. He couldn't help but smile at the crappy appearance of his name on the left handle. Finally, he removed the pen he stole from Rima. She always had the coolest and cutest pens!

Ichijou giggled cheerfully. "Now then, on to work!" Ichijou fell silent as his tongue popped out of the side of his mouth. His brows furrowed together in deep concentration as he took the pen in his hand and began making an outline for the ears. His hand wasn't very steady so it was a little shaky. But that didn't bother Ichijou. He picked up the scissors and began to cut through the paper, following the line exactly the way it was. Words couldn't describe how deformed the so called ears looked. Next, he got up and headed into the bathroom. It only took moments for Ichijou to spot the headband he had taken from Ruka. It was perfect for when he had to wash his beautiful face! He hurried back into his room and plopped down on his chair. All that was left was to use the glitter glue to glue on the ears!

Maybe seven minutes passed before he was completely finished with his "bunny ears." He happily put them on and hopped up from his chair. "I feel like a jolly bunny already!" He bounced over to his full length mirror and made small poses. But something was missing. Or rather, two things were leaving his little costume unfinished. He glanced back at his calendar. For one, a bunny ALWAYS has a fluffy tail. And for another, there was a basket sitting off to the side. That's what he needed. Ichijou set to work searching for a tail. He crawled under his bed and found his old stuffed bunny.

"Long time no see, Mister Bun-Bun! Guess what!" He paused for a moment. "NO! WRONG! I'm going to be an Easter bunny!"

Another small pause.

"DON'T LAUGH AT ME! I CAN TO!" Ichijou screamed in a high pitched voice. He paused again before his eyes turned a fiery red.

"I knew there was a reason I hated you! Oh yes, you pathetic little creature. Hehehe… you know, that tail always did look crappy on you."

There was a long pause followed by a sadistic laugh.

"Oh no, it's too late. It's time to feel my wrath now!" Ichijou carried the large toy to his desk where he proceeded to cut off its tail. It was medium in size with plenty of fluff and fuzz to make it almost seem real. Ichijou pulled out his super glue and glued the ball to the seat of his pants. "All that's left now is a basket and some little goodies for my favorite people, Yuki NOT included!" But as Ichijou looked around the room, he couldn't find such a thing. There wasn't one under his bed, in his closet, behind his toilet… No where! He folded his arms across his chest as he pondered his dilemma. What else could he carry the treats in? He glanced around once more and finally saw the next best thing.

"A waste basket does have the word 'basket' in it. So I guess this'll be fine!" He quickly picked up the semi full bin and carried it towards his opened window. He swiftly dumped the contents out figuring no one would ever think he was responsible for such an act as that. He wasted no more time as he began to grab anything and everything that could bring everyone joy. There were his old, holy socks, his construction paper scrap, an old toothbrush, a picture of him dressed in a female's night class uniform, and an old Band-Aid.

"Perfect! I'M SO EXCITED! THEY'LL LOVE ME FOREVAR!" Ichijou held up the basket to his chest as he began his bunny hop. His first stop was with non-other than Shiki and Kaname. Ichijou banged his head on the door and waited for a moment. There was a bit of shifting in the room before Kaname opened the door.

"What do you- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING ON YOUR HEAD?!" Kaname gawked at the hideous object adorning the blonde's head.

"What do you think, Silly Willy? These are my ears. After all, I am the Easter bunny!" Ichijou hopped pass Kaname and into the room. "I've got presents for two very good boys!" He reached his left hand into the trashcan as Kaname and Shiki watched in pure disgust. They exchanged a glance before looking back at Ichijou. He had officially lost his mind.

"Kaname, I give to you my old toothbrush! I know that you will use it well. And Shiki," He fished around once more before withdrawing lumpy fabric. "I give you my old favorite pair of socks. They've never been washed because they were always lucky. They'll give you all the luck you need in scoring with Rima. Plus, they'll keep your feet cool."

"I don't want them," Shiki replied, not bothering to take the slightly odorous object.

"Too bad! They're all yours now!" He tossed them, hitting his roommate in the face before hopping out. His next stop was Ruka and Rima. Again he banged his head on the door.

"Kain! I said you-AGH! Who the- Ichijou?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?" Ruka shouted. Once again, Ichijou bounced pass the young woman and dug into his basket before taking out his old tooth and the construction paper scrap.

"Ruka, I entrusted my tooth brush to Kaname. Now the two of you should be forever connected by my mouth. This tooth is for you. I lost it when I was six." Ichijou grinned.

"Connected… Kaname and I connected forever! Oh Ichijou, I don't know who drugged you but thank you!" Ruka was quick to run off into her shrine.

"Rima, for you I have construction paper scraps. Make yourself a pretty, pretty princess!" He tossed the crumpled paper to her and made his leave. Only two presents were left and he was sure the unsuspecting Kain and Aidou would love them!

"Oh Kain, Aidou, open up!" Ichijou sang. A few muttered curses were heard as were the sound of clothes moving. With a soft click, the door was thrown open revealing a rather peeved Kain.

"Oh, Kain… You'll get wrinkles. Anyways! I am the Easter Bunny, here to bring you lots of joy, toys, and yeah…Um for you I have…" He pulled out the last two objects. "A picture of me. I know that you have been lusting after me for quite some time. So please, tuck it away in your pants and be merry!" He hopped pass the dumbfounded Kain and towards the sleeping Aidou.

Ichijou stared down at the sleeping boy before shaking him awake. After a few moans, Aidou opened his eyes and stared up at Ichijou before letting out a loud squeal of delight.

"THE EASTER BUNNY! THE EASTER BUNNY! I TOLD YOU HE EXISTED, KAIN! OMGZ!" Aidou jumped up and glomped Ichijou. "D-did you bring me a present?!"

"Of course I did! I how could I not? For you, young Aidou, I give you my old Band-Aid. It still smells like blood. Now then, the night is young and I have many more people to visit. So have a happy Easter!" Ichijou hopped off down the dorm stairs and out into the night. He bounced around the courtyards, full of excitement. Even the light drizzle of rain wasn't enough to dampen his spirits.

Zero watched in mild disgust and major confusion as one of the gorss creatures left their building. And Yuki admired these creatures? Man had she been dropped one too many times.

INSIDE THE MOON DORM:

Kaname gathered everyone into the main room to discuss this new issue at hand.

"It was fine when he played Santa, somewhat disturbing when he tried to play cupid, and just sick when he dressed as that gay leprechaun. But now it's getting ridiculous!" Kaname let out a sigh.

"B-b-but… I thought… I thought… No! No! THEY'RE ALL REAL! N-no one dressed up as them!"Aidou defended. Everyone ignored the blubbering child like vamp.

"Um, sorry to say this Kaname, but you're the one who switched his blood tablets with those "special pills" Last April Fool's."

Kaname was silent… This just couldn't be true…

FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

**VKCRACK:** Um, yeah… Sorry about this. I plan on probably writing another chapter focusing on Ichijou since this was really shitty, so look forward to that at least. I think next up shall be Headmaster Cross. I have a small idea blooming for him. So anyways, hope I didn't kill you with this and that you all have a happy Easter or Sunday. And may the Ichijou Bunny give you lots of joy and yeah… It's dead… Reviews welcomed. And remember, if you want a specific character, circumstance, etc. feel free to request! And I promise, it'll turn out better. ((I will eventually do a rewrite like I said earlier. But this should at least tide you over a bit…))


	11. 10: WHERE ARE THEY NOW!

**VKCRACK:** So, it's been a really long time since I posted… I've generally tried to have a limit for how long it took for me to post a chapter (well, kinda sorta). But uh… yeah, I failed this time. I'm sorry guys. Lots of chaotic drama llama stuff. It's mainly blown over and my creative juices (though sadly no Amp) are flowing at full speed once again! I have another chapter in progress and will probably be finishing it up sometime tomorrow. So expect another chapter very soon!

As for notes on this one: I was a little curious as to what happened to Ichijou's parents, since we don't know crap about 'em. So, I came up with this crack. I've no idea. Sorry for the stupidity at the end guys. So yeah, enjoy, review, and have fun, guys!

**Disclaimer:** I can only claim my effed up ideas… Um, I do not own Otomen, Shojou Beat, or Vampire Knight.

Chapter 10: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?!

It was a dull Sunday with nothing much to do but laze about and beg Kaname to do something to create some kind of uproar. But alas, the dork was too busy with his nose stuck in the latest volume of Otomen. So, that ultimately left everyone to sit around in the coomon room, sighing heavily every couple of seconds. So Mizerable!

"Kain-saaaaaammmaaaaa…" Aidou stared up at his darling cousin. Curious eyes watched the blonde hair, blue eyed camp as he clung to the silent one. Lately the cousins have been deepening and exploring the relationship they shared. It was obvious who wore the pants. A chill rand down their spine as Kain grinned a grin that would totally pwn the Cheshire cat's.

"Yes, my little sloth?" His semi tan hand began to tangle in Aidou's hair.

"Nothing… It was too quiet." Silence loomed around the room once more. What felt like hours, but was mere seconds, passed before someone dared to shatter the quiet atmosphere. This time it was Pocky Monster number two, Shiki.

"Hey, Ichijou, what're you doing Mother's day?" He cocked his head to the side a bit as he nibbled on the chocolaty treat.

"Well… I dunno where my Mommy is…" Ichijou looked at everyone with a hard gaze, secretly willing them to be daring and ask. He was just bursting with a story to tell. Rima rolled her eyes.

"Rima, don't you dare ask! You know that if you do, you'll regret it." Ruka bit her bottom lip as she crossed her arms out of the growing nervousness.

"What about for Father's day?" Rima questioned, ignoring Rika. If Ichijou was a balloon, he'd be on the edge of popping.

"Daddy's with Mommy…" His body began to shake in anticipation as he looked at the group before him with glittering and pleading eyes.

"Someone just ask him before he starts annoying us all! First person to ask canmight taste my blood," Kaname said dully as he flipped to the next page of his shojou.

"WHERE ARE THEY ICHIJOU?!" Ruka screamed, causing everyone to cover their ears until the terrible screeching stopped. Damn was she a living Banshee.

"Well, I will have to go way back…

"ICHIJOU'S STORY CORNER

"Ahem. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful vampire princess name Ichi. Ichi had long, beautiful blonde hair that shined like the sun and green eyes that sparkled like emeralds. Everyone wanted her because of how hawt she was. But her heart belonged to one man, and one man only. This man was named Jou. And man was Jou a looker! All the girls fantasized about him, but they could never get to him. He only had eyes for Ichi.

" But both were so pure of heart that neither dare confess their secret. About two years passed and both were unhappily married to strangers they didn't love. But then something happened! A magnificent masquerade was held for all to come. The lovely princess Ichi, dressed as an elegant humming bird, stood in the back as she watched her dreadful husband flirted with all the young servants. Her eyes glanced around until they met with a mysterious pair. Looking closer at the dragon esqued man, she couldn't help but sense something. Neither knew it was the other. They were drawn. Jou walked over to the woman and slung her over his shoulder.

"I shall take this woman and marry her! Shini, we're through!" He let out a boisterous laugh before leaping off. He ran out of the castle gates and jumped into his limo. "To the drive through chapel!"

"So, the driver drove the while they had some mad making out sessions. Soon, they arrived and minutes later they were married! They had the driver drive them to Lover's Point where they decided to have sex. That night, a little baby was conceived. They couldn't have been happier. They went to Ichi's father where they gained his blessings and acceptance, only after getting him drunk. Life was grand as they lived with the old Asato Ichiou. So, nine months later, Ichi popped out a healthy baby boy. He was so cute and sparkly and awesome that they named him Ichijou! Takuma was thrown in for fun. So, anyways! They lived as a happy family until little baby Ichijou turned six and was whisked away. Ichi and Jou now travel the world collecting what it is they love best!

"END OF STORY!"

Rima blinked a couple of times before daring o as the question. After all, the story couldn't get any stranger.

"So, uh, what is they love best?" She practically regretted the words as Ichijou grinned at her.

"Hamsters, of course! They have a hamster farm!" Ichijou let out a sigh. Silence once again filled the room as everyone tried to absorb the bizarre fairytale.

"So, um, where are they now?" Aidou timidly asked.

"They're living in a giant coconut in New Zealand!

"… Ichijou, you lost your speaking privileges. So, STFU N00B!" Kaname wiped a tear away as he closed his Shojou Beat.

ELSEWHERE

Ichi looked out of the nest and at the sky. She picked up a nut from the food pile and began nibbling.

"SQUEEEEEEAKYYY!" Jou crawled towards the love of his life. The two cuddled as the sun set. Life sure was grand as a guinea pig.

LESSON OF THE DAY: Shrimp is rather tasty, unless you're allergic. Then it's a trap!

**VKCRACK:** And that's the end of another chapter. I have an idea brewing for another chapter (probably chapter 12) and I need a little help. You see, it involves a fairytale. So, if/when you review, leave a little message on a fairytale you'd want to see the characters of Vampire Knight attempt to act out! See you all next time. Stay awesome, guys!


	12. 11: N'Street Boys, Oh YEAH!

**VKCRACK:** So, it's been a while since I even thought of my fic. A lot of shit has been going on and just recently passed. So yeah… I'm back with more stupidity! Starting with Chapter 11. It gets a bit lamer near the end, but that's because I'm not feeling too much and am more fired up for a different idea. But yeah. Uh, part two will be up in a jiffy…. Lolz… no on uses the word jiffy anymore! Anyways, enjoy guys!

**Disclaimer:** Last year I got my awesome laptop until I realized that I don't own Vista, Microsoft, FireFox, youtube, the songs on itunes, which I realize I could never own, or Vampire Knight. Now that is a true FML…. PS: Don't own Backstreet Boys or *NSync…

Chapter 11: N'Street Boys, Oh Yeah!

Kaname, on a lazy Sunday afternoon, sipped his blood water as he tapped his feet to the beat of the old pop song. It was hard to find music that was so catchy and poppy. All that was on the radio was sex. Sure the pop songs from back in the day had to do with sex, but they weren't so blunt… Well, most of the time. But that was beside the point. So anyways, Kaname couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic for the old days, all the while feeling a groove he just couldn't shake. He couldn't help but get up and dance just as the song 'Everybody' blared from his stereo.

Kaname was feeling it! He tugged off that shirt and tossed it as his hips wiggled to the beat. It wasn't long before he pulled out his break dancing moves, mixed with other stuff. It was hot. But halfway through, he lost it. Something was just terribly off! He turned down the volume as he sat to think. A light bulb flashed on in his mind. He was alone!

"Blasphemy! That's it… I'm starting an all boys band! Oh yeah! That's right Backstreet and Sync! You have N'Street Boys to worry about!" He let out his stupid evil laugh as he totally forgot that they so were no longer making albums, the silly little vamp!

Shiki sat at his desk staring down at the half written song before him. Rima's birthday was quickly approaching and was limited for time. He had to finish this song or else! A growl of frustration rumbled in his throat as Kaname barged in. did the damned pureblood seriously think he was the king of the effing world?!

"What, Kaname-sama?" Shiki hissed.

"Now, now my dear little theoretical cousin. Your eye is twitching… Anyways. I demand you join me or else!" Kaname gave that dramatic finger pointing pose. Like in Yugioh when they point their finger and are all like 'I play this and you die!'… yeah… moving on! Shiki cocked an eyebrow.

"Join you with what?"

"No questions. Yes or no?!" Kaname began tapping his foot with the utmost impatience,

"Uh, fine… Will you go now?" Shiki looked back towards his song as he began to wrack his brain for the next word. It had to be butter cheeks. Perfect.

"Uhm, okay. Meet me downstairs at six." Kaname skipped out of the room and headed towards Kain's room.

Laughter of three different males rang from within. Three birds with one stone. Oh yeah, who's cooler? Berrycool is! Knock… Kno-knock-kno-knock knock… knock. The door flew wide open with an annoyed Kain.

"Kainy-brainy…! What are you doing?" Kaname smiled at the weasel like vamp.

"Fun stuff that you can't do," he replied hastily. Everything about Kaname changed for the worse. His whole aura and persona darkened.

"What did I say about having sex, let alone threesomes? I thought I said they weren't allow-"

"We AREN'T having a THREESOME! Geez!" Kain was about to slam the door shut, but he was .03611249 seconds too late. Kaname was inside.

"So, guys, I have something more fun than what anyone of you could have without me. So, will you join me?" He glanced around.

Kain was glaring out the window while Ichijou and Aidou shared a small look.

"If you guys do… Ichijou, I'll forgive you for the past few holidays. And Aidou, Kain, you two can have as much sex as you want! A vamp bro's promise!" The three stared at Kaname with blank faces before slowly turning away from him. They glanced at each other for a brief moment.

"Okay, maybe would should humor him, I mean, it'll be short lived! We should be safe…" Ichijou suggested to the two. But Kain immediately shook his head.

"Remember what happened last time? Ugh… I couldn't stand looking myself after that…" Kain muttered as a shuddered at the horrifying memory.

"Listen, he'll get bored and we can just quit if it gets too bad. And then we'll move somewhere where no one will know who we are and be safe!" Aidou chirped in. Kain hesitated for a moment, knowing both boys were right.

"Alright, fine. But the second this goes wrong, we're out." Kain didn't leave room for anymore discussion as he turned to Kaname and gave him a nervous smile. "W-we accept, Kaname-sama… We'll see you at six then."

Kaname couldn't have been happier as hugged the three and skipped out of the room. Only one person was needed. That person was Kiryuu Zero, the secret heart throb of several girls.

NMNMNMNMNM

Kaname walked into the Day Class dorms and headed towards Yuuki. Wherever his dear little princess was, the rabid Level E would be. He gave a quick knock on Yuuki's door before waltzing in. Two green faces stared up at him. For a brief second, everything was silent and then,

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OMG! OMGGGGG!!! WTFH?! W-w-what? Who are you aliens!?" Kaname screamed in terror. Zero rolled his eyes. "JK guys! Hey… Facials are so much fun! But, I need Zero." Before either could respond, Kaname was already dragging Zero out of the room. Six o'clock was quickly approaching.

Zero wiped the green mask off on his shirt before he tried to pull out of Kaname's grip.

"Where are we going? We were about to give each other a pedicure," Zero pouted as he attempted to fold his arms. It was a major fail. Kaname was just too strong.

"I'm bored and I've decided to recruit you for my idea." Kaname smiled.

"But… but… but… I don't want to join you." Zero again tried to pull out of the Purebloods grip once more, but still was unable.

"Oh stop whining. You're the only one with that icy look! You'll be perfect!" Zero just sighed in defeat. Maybe this would be a quick phase. So, they walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and in five minutes, they arrived back at the Moon Dorms and were now standing in the entrance, facing Shiki, Ichijou, Aidou, and Kain.

"Thank you all for coming! This is a great honor and I-" Kaname was quickly interrupted.

"Just tell us why the hell we're here…" Kain growled as he threw the dorm leader a peeved look.

"Fine, fine… I want to start a boy band! Oh come on guys, don't give me that look. I know you all want to join me. I mean, think about all the girls… and guys…." He smirked at Kain and Aidou, "you'll be getting! It'll be a lot of fun!"

Everyone looked at one another, sharing a hesitant look before looking back at Kaname.

"No. Just no…." Kain stated before turning to leave. A simple sniffle was enough to make him turn back around. An expression of disbelief was quickly scribbled on to his face. "Are you…? You aren't seriously…No….WHAT?"

"I-I just wanted…. I… But… Please…. All I want… A boy band… It's….I just… A DREAM!" Tears fell from Kaname's red eyes before he began sobbing hard. The King of Purebloods fell to his knees in disdain. "PLEASE! I just wanted a boy band!" He began slamming his fist in a horrible outrage. The others began backing in fear. They knew what was coming next the moment that small laugh slipped past their leader's lips. Zero just rolled his eyes.

"Are you seriously going to do what he says just because a homicidal maniac and is laughing as if he has a death note and a shikiamani thing…? I mean, seriously?" Zero cocked an eyebrow. "And people say I have the issues…"

"BOY BAND!!! NOW! OR YOU ALL SHALL DIE!!!" Kaname was now standing tall, fire burning in his eyes…

~ A couple of moronic hours of terrible convincing later!~

"… and friends do things for friends! That's why friendship is such a wonderful-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP AND WE'LL join…" Kain buried his face in his hands from the never ending shame.

"Uh… if we're doing this whole boy band thing, can I sing a song for Rima? Her birthday is tonight…." Shiki looked at everyone with dull eyes.

"What I stupendous idea, Shikipu! Alright, let's do it!" Kaname bolted up from his seat and beckoned everyone over to him. "Rehersal begins now!"

**VKCRACK:** And this is where I leave you guys to write up part two… Which shall be short and to the point. Hopefully… Yeah. Hope you guys liked it even the slightest. See ya next time. And remember children: Talking to strangers is completely fine. I mean, how else are we supposed to get groceries and fast food and meds and all that stuff?


	13. 11 pt 2: Uber Failurage

**VKCRAK:** Yeah, so… part two is here. And yeah, sorry it sucks. Yay for failure! And yeah… on to some fresher ideas! Whatever those are… Enjoy the retardation on a stick… And sorry for lost brain cells.

**DISCLAIMER:** Don't own platypuses, Peter Pan, and Vampire… Wish I didn't own this idea, but ah well.

Chapter 11 pt. 2: Uber Failurage

The evening, once so calm and relaxing, was currently filled with ear piercing, tone deaf singing that was enough to make anyone want to suicide. But no one dared to stop the racket. Kaname was man-PMSing and nothing would end too well. So, they walked around with ear plugs and tried to ignore the noise.

Inside the moon dorm...

"…AND YOU LOOK SO HAAAAAAAAAAWT WITH THAT THING IN YOUR-" Kaname sang loudly as he struck a dramatic pose. He glanced at the others.

"THING IN YOURRRRRRRRRR-" They followed suit in the pose as they sang their part.

"THING IN YOUR HAIR!" The six boys began to walk forward as the ripped open their school jackets and removed them before doing a quick turn and shaking their milkshakes. At the last second, they all turned the heads back so they could look the invisible audience in the eye.

"And cut!" Kaname shouted loudly with a sharp clap of his hands. "Shiki, this song is amazing! It will definitely be a big hit! Great work, everyone! We shall be ready for the party in no time! Now, let's all get ready! We only have twelve minutes before the party." Kaname scampered off as did the others.

Only 7 minutes passed before they were back in the sitting room. Aidou glanced at the clock that magically appeared and sighed. "Where's Kaname at?"

"Probably has stage fright. We should be free to go now…" Kain mumbled but paused as Kaname burst into the room.

"Okay guys! I have it!" Kaname held up a suspicious paper bag.

"Ooooohhhh! What is it? What is it?" Shiki questioned as he attempted to reach for the bag. Kaname was quick in pulling it away.

"It's a magical powder that will make us feel better about ourselves. Now, we have to be careful. If used improperly, it will kill us." Zero's eyes widened in horror and pulled out his Bloody Rose.

"Drop the drugs now or I'll get the headmaster to kick you out!" Zero shouted. His aim was dead on and with one little squeeze of his index finger, Kaname's brains would be splattered all over the walls and floors. It wouldn't be a pretty sight and poor Berrycool would cry.

"Now, now, don't be silly, Zero. It's not drugs!" Kaname let out a barking laugh as he reached into the crinkly brown bag and pulled out a large tube of…

"Body glitter?" Aidou question staring at the tube in disgust. "Ew… that's like… ewie!"

"There's more than that!" Again, his hand disappeared into the bag and pulled out some mascara, lip gloss and eye liner. The 5 vamps and Level E stared dumbly at their supposed leader.

"What the hell, Kaname, just what the hell?" Kain questioned.

"All boy bands where makeup and glitter. It's how they get girls in bed. Now, you better do this or I will force you all to sleep with… with… Some generic character!" Gasps of horror echoed in the room as a smirk crossed his lips. "That's what I thought.

NMN 5 Minutes Later NMN

Everyone chatted in polite small talk before the lights flicked off and the back patio lit up with bright lights. Everyone gave each other puzzling looks. Before any questions could be asked, loud music started up. Six figures stepped into the light and revealed themselves.

"Oh no… Kill me now…" Rima muttered as she spotted Shiki.

"BABY! I LOVE YOU LOTS! SLEEP WITH ME TONIGHT!" The six sang in unison

"Oh baby, I see the way you stare at me, like I'm something to eat.

Chocolaty treats aren't enough to satisfy that hunger,

so pour some champagne and make me stronger

And take a lick at me." Shiki sang as he stumbled over his footing. Rima just wanted to die. It was Kain's turn.

" I first saw you when I was young,

and thought you were fun.

We played in the sand, ate cookies and made amends.

Now we're older and sexier so don't let it end.

Feel the love baby cause!" His voice, too awkwardly deep, was monotone, almost giving everyone hope that there could be an end.

"I'm hot for you and I think you smell nice.

Baby I'll never be cold as ice, cause you melt me

I feel like a flea! Oh yeah!

I will never tire of you cause you're my bridge!

You're wild and have a platypus in your fridge

And you eat pickles! YAY!" The boys began to do a small mini dance resembling a bit of the Macarena crossed with the Hamster Dance. The alcohol was taking too long to kick in and save them from the horrid song.

"Baby, you're wild like a stallion!

Like a stallion!

And I wish we could run free together

But there are storms in this consistent weather." Aidou sang a pitch to high that somehow through the entire song off.

"Baby don't make me so damn blue

When you still have that flu!

Have that flu!

You're hawt stuff and I need you much

So let me feel that touch!" Zero winced with everyone word that spilled from his mouth and every inch his muscle moved to this nonsensical song. He truly wished for this humiliation to come to an end. The six repeated the chorus and it was finally Kaname's turn….

"BABY I NEEEEEEEED YOU NOW!

I CAN GO KUN POW POW

AND MAKE YOU SCREAM IN PLEASURE

CAUSE I CAN DO A GOOD MEASURE!

SO SIT IN MY LAP

AND FEEL THAT TAP TAP TAP!" Kaname screamed, making everyone in the audience cover their ears for a little relief.

"So, baby, just take my hand,

It'll be alright.

Cause I'm here by your side,

Tonight.

So just hold me tight

And I'll wipe your tears.

And chase away your fears…." Ichijou whispered softly. With that, the lights dimmed and all was silent. Rima looked up at the stage, tears in her eyes.

"Shiki… I…." Shiki looked down at the ground. He knew that she hated it with every fiber in her being. Who could blame her. "I think I'm in love with Ichijou. Kthxbai." Rima walked away.

NMNMN INSIDE!!! NMNMNN

Shiki sat in his little emo corner chewing on blood tablet after blood tablet.

"Aw, come now, little one, she loved it! They all did!" Kaname patted the broken hearted boy on the head.

"But… but… She said she loved Ichijou! I knew this was a stupid idea! I hate you Kaname! May you and Berrycool drown in the deepest darkest depths of … of… The lake!" Shiki glared up at the dorm head.

"Fine… I'm going solo!"

"Fine!"

Kain sighed and shook his head… Stupidity really was contagious. "I'm going to go screw Aidou now. Later, dudes." He took Aidou by the hand and left for some hot raunchy sex.

"Yeah… Uh, I owe Yuki some messaging." Zero bolted out, followed by a silent Ichijou.

"Hm…" Kaname sat down. "Well, that sucked…. Ah well… I should try an all girls' group, but with guys! We could be called Spicy Boys! Hey, Shiki, join…. Wait… It wouldn't end well… I have that bad feeling."

Shiki stared at Kaname. "I'm gonna go have a baby with Rima now and then go kill her secret lover."

NMNMNMN ELSEWHERE!!! NM

Peter Pan flew through the sky in delight. Kidnapping small slumbering children was so much fun!

**VKCRACK:**………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Yeah… Sorry. I blame uh… my… brain? Yeah uh… reviews…. Appreciated? Yeah, I'm going to work on a better chapter. Thanks for reading and hopefully see you next time… -dies-


	14. 12: Super Barkingweaselvamp

**VKCRACK:** Okay, so, I'm updating like a freak going through an amp withdrawal and very bored. So, here's a semi-decent chapter… Okay, okay… It's not that funny. But I will get back into the swing of things. Hopefully things'll come to me tomorrow and I'll be able to get some amp in my system. Who knows. Anyways. Read, review, and have fun.

**DISCLAIMER:** Take me to your leader…

Chapter 12: Super Barkingweaselman… The Lame Fic

As always, it was an extremely boring day. Class was cancelled, due to some little holiday thing, leaving everyone to do whatever it was their little hearts desired. But for one vampire in particular, it was rather difficult. Nothing seemed to do it for him. Kain was too sick to make out with, having caught some cold. Ichijou was plotting for some holiday called Independence Day, whatever the hell that is. Shiki was trying his hardest to win back Rima's heart after the whole band fiasco. Yuki and Zero were… hmm….

If light bulbs could flicker on over people's heads, he'd not only have one, but it'd be so bright that it would be enough to be the reason why all the glaciers and stuff were melting. Only then would it burn out. Aidou quickly pulled out his laptop and sat up against his pillows. It was time to prove that Super Barkingweaselvamp was amazing!

After the laptop was powered on and what not, he opened up his word document and began his typing.

~~ STORY BEGINS NOW!~~

Once upon a time, there was a lovely little house with a lovely little family that lived inside. There was a Daddy, a goldfish, and two adorable children. One day, it was very rainy and the two children weren't allowed to play outside. So they sat at the window and stared glumly out the window.

"Man… I'm bored," said a young little Zero as he let out yet out another sigh. "If only I could go out and kill some vampires…" A small smile flickered on his lips, but his heart was heavy from the rain.

"If only Kaname-sama were here. He always makes everything so fun. One time he showed me how to decapitate a Level." Yuki snickered at the VERY vivid memory. Her Kaname-sama was just too cool. Little Zero wasn't given a chance to respond as their adoptive Father twirled into room, his eyes all sparkly.

"My lovely little children! Daddy has some good news! This man wants to meet with him to make all his wishes come true!" He pulled the two children, Zero looking dull and disturbed, Yuki confused, in his arms.

"Am I getting another daddy so you aren't lonely?" Yuki question with such innocent that the man couldn't resist in hugging her small frame once more.

"Now, now… Daddy loves girls, not boys. Zero on the hand…" He ruffled Zero's silvery locks and smiled. "It's okay, I'll still love you."

"What the heck are you talking about? Creepster…"

"Anyways! I'm off. No playing outside, no strangers in the house; just sit there and be good. I shall see you two soon!" Cross was almost out of the door when he popped his head back into the room. "Oh and please no messes in any of the rooms. It took me forever to clean up!" With that, he was gone.

Yuki and Zero just looked at each other before looking at Poppers the goldfish.

"Now what do we do, Zero?"

"We sit and wait for the rain to stop…." Silence filled the room as they both let out heavy sighs and watched the continuous downpour. Where was the fun!

Minutes, with thousands of sighs, passed when suddenly Zero let out a small noise. Yuki cocked her head and looked over at her adoptive brother.

"What is it, Zero? Are you okay?"

"I see something approaching… And… It's weird…" Zero leaned forward in his chair to the point his nose was hitting the glass.

"What?! Where?! I wanna see! I wanna see! Show me, Zero! I wanna see too!" Yuki pouted.

"Fine, just shut up." He pointed out the window into the distant. It was none other than a foreign person skipping up towards the door. "This can't be-" At that exact moment, Yuki bounded towards the door and flung it open. "Good…" He got up and followed Yuki. But it was too late. She was already inviting the guy in.

"Who are you? Why are you here? Are you a virgin?" Yuki shot off. The stranger just smiled.

"Go away…" Zero shoved Yuki behind himself and glared at the vampire.

"Now, now, little child! I have lots of candy if you come with me!" The strange vamp flashed them a smile, revealing his sharp fangs. A bit of drool fell from the corner of his lip.

"Uh, no. We don't want-"

"CANDY! YES! I'LL TAKE SOME! I WANT SOME CANDY! I WANT CANDY! CANDY CANDY! I WANT- I WANT- I WANT! GIVE ME! GIVE-"

"STUFF YOU N00BISH CHILD!" He yelled and quickly cleared his throat. "I uh mean, sure. Of course. My name is Rido. And I am a hero!" But Zero had a terrible feeling.

"No… you… you want Yuki, don't you! It's cause she's secretly and incestuous princess who's really Kaname's sister and is in love with him and has magical powers and all that other shit that is supposed to be some fucking plot line but is really just disturbing and weird and makes me sad and want to die because she no longer loves me and runs away with Kaname while I'm stuck doing nothing better with my life and and and…."

"Yeah… whatever, kid. Shut up and follow me and I'll take you to Candy Mountain." Rido grabbed the two children by the wrist and began dragging them to the van. But both had seen Charlie the Unicorn. They knew what would happen….

"NO! NO! NO! NO! I WANT MY KIDNEY! I WANT MY KIDNEY! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! NEVER! NO!!!" Yuki began to scream and fight, but there was no hope! Even Zero wasn't strong enough!

"Let us go you booger head!" He twisted every which way, but was unable to break free. There was no help… no help at all….

Flying lazily in the sky, Super Barkingweaselvamp was bored.

"It's going to be another boring one…" he muttered as he just barely dodged a tree. In that same second, he heard something. He paused in midflight and listened carefully. Screaming children; that was never a good sign!" Super Barkingweaselvamp flew as fast as he could and landed in front of the evil Rido.

"Rido… So, we meet again." Super Barkingweaselvamp smirked as a terrified Rido turned to face the his arch enemy.

"N-no… no! NOOOOO!" He rapidly throw balls of fire at the awesome hero, but to no avail. Super Barkingweaselvamp was just too good with his ice.

"Hahaha… Seems you will be defeated!" Super Barkingweaselvamp formed and icicle and throw at the evil man, decapitating him. He turned towards the two children. "Are you two okay?"

"YOU ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN KANAME! OMG! I love you! Thank you!" Shouted Yuki with much enthusiasm.

"I'm going now… this is just ridiculous." Zero walked away.

A few seconds later, Kain, who had been making out with Ruka in a nearby bush and saw the whole thing, walked over and picked up the superhero.

"You have captured my heart. Marry me."

"Okay!"

After that, the two lived happily ever after!

~~END STORY~~

Aidou smiled in satisfaction at his story. Once again, Ruka has lost and the world was safe from evil! Oh yeah, he was totally awesome now! He fixed up the small story and posted it on his favorite story-posting website.

"YUS! Now everyone will think I'm so cool!"

~~Elsewhere!!~~

Kain looked through the original stories in the archive of .. They always had some of the best stories. But none were appealing. He refreshed his page and that's when he saw it… He just had to read it!

After a few minutes…. Kain sat there in disbelief. "Stupid idiot…"

**VKCRACK:** Yeah, so I'm thinking that after I post this, and if I'm still not tired or whatev, then I'm drawing Super Barkingweaselvamp. I mean, how many of you are just dying to know what the hell he looks like? I know I kind of am! Guess I'll be making a deviant art account for this fic or something.

Anyways. Hope you all liked this chapter. So, please review, leaving any questions, comments, flames, or any requests. Whatever you all want, you'll get… depending what it is you want. Anyways! Have fun, stay cool, be awesome, and have a great day, afternoon, night… and see you next time!


	15. Author's Note

Hey everyone. As I'm sure you've noticed, I haven't written anything new in a long while. I haven't been feeling inspired with this fic, so I'm going to officially putting this on hiatus for the time being until I feel some spark of inspiration. I want to thank everyone for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate. Hope you all have good lives and remember to always laugh: Its life's supposed medicine!

If you guys have any questions, comments, or whatever, feel free to message me or something.

Thanks!

~VKCRACK


	16. 13: The Mask of Emoness Death Lovers

**VKCRACK:** Okay, so I was reading so I was reading some stuff, right? And I was like hm… I want some fucking amp and a Twix bar (because they just like pwn the world! Dude… Amp and Twix should somehow combine into one magical thing.) but anyways, so I got this sudden urge to go back to basics and write more crack shit. AMP FOR THE FUCKING WIN! And I have a very dirty mouth tonight, fear it, eat it, love it. So yeah, enjoy whatever the hell I come up with!

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own VK… FML!

Chapter 13: The Mask of Emoness Death Lovers and SPAM!

One cold wintery day, Zero was walking in the garden, sulking about Yuki's latest dream about her and Kaname going at it like little sloths, whatever that meant. But the fact that he was never in her dreams peeved him. It wasn't fair! It was wrong and evil and terrible! HE SHOULD BE THE MAN OF HER DREAMS!! But he wasn't.

"FML!" He yelled at the top of his wee little lungs. He paused. "How big are my lungs? Like how many tongues would it take to fill up one lung?" He shook his head. That question was almost as impossible to answer as it was to make Yuki his sex toy. Then it came to him. The idea was so bright and shiny that he walked into a wall.

Zero crept down the dark, musty hallway, holding his breath as he went. One wrong move and he was better off dead. He inched deeper and deeper till he reached a door. Glancing behind him and seeing that the coast was clear, Zero opened the door of eternal doom. A cold chill ran down his spine as he began walking down the steps. The door slammed behind him eerily. It was as if Berrycool's ghost was stalking him. Oh how he hated that effing pig. So anyways… Zero walked down those steps leading almost to the center of the earth all the while keeping quiet. Didn't want to wake the magical Frumanatsu Bats.

ELSE WHERE!

"Now… we head deep into the cave where we find the lively Frumanatsu Bats. Now, Frumanatsu Bats loooove to eat. These bats eat anything from ears to toenails. But they love to eat shiny hair of anyone that enters their lair. Now, legend has it," said the Explorer Dude, "that a whole VILLAGE was wiped out by the Frumanatsu Bats.. But yeah. Boring creatures. NEXT!"

Yuuki looked up at Aidou.

"Aidou… If I was a Frumanatsu bat, would you marry me?" She batted her eyelashes.

"Duh Yuuki! Those bats are fiiiiine! I'd so tap that!"

BACK TO ZERO!

After an hour of walking down the stairs, he finally reached yet another door, the final door… the door that lead him to his fate of being able to capture Yuuki's heart once and for all! Evil cackling pulled him away from that thought as he took a deep breath and entered. And there, in an untied straight jacket was his brother, a twisted grin giving his normally cute face an edge of straight creepiness.

"Brother… I need you. I need you more than I need a Popsicle in my pants after Yuuki accidentally bit me thinking it was an actual lollipop!" Zero stated as he knelt down before him.

"Oh Zero you silly duck, you! Dur! Of course you need me! I have a present that will make you win her heart once and for all! FEAR IT!" Ichiru said with a flick of his wrist as if to dismiss Zero's stupidity.

"Brother… What is it that you give me?!"Zero stood up and stared his brother in the face.

"I give you this mask! A mask so powerful that it will turn you into what it is that Yuuki's heart truly desires to love, marry, and have babies with! She will never be able to tell the difference!" Zero looked at the mask. It was half a mask, only really covering his eyes and nose. This mask was odd. It was really whacked. There were feathers, glitter, sparkles, strange shapes, and other odd things on it, making is so colorful and shiny that made it look as if it was created during one hell of a drug trip with Satan and bananas in Paris!

"What the hell is this… Wait a second! Is this that stupid mask you made back in kindergarten that you somehow got an F on!?" Zero could feel his blood boil.

"SILENCE! THIS MASK HAS MORE POWER THAN A LLAMA DANCING WITH A RACOON!" Zero shut up at that. No one could ever defeat a raccoon and llama once they have united with a dance. It was that hardcore.

"Fine. I'll take it, Brother. I'll wear this mask and win Yuuki!" Zero took the mask and ran.

It didn't take long to locate the ditsy brunette. Even Ruka seemed a bazillion times smarter. Then again, that was saying much. Zero slipped on the mask and entered Yuuki's room. After a loud bang with lots of pretty smoke and sparkles, Yuuki turned and gasped. There, standing before her was the one thing she always wanted to marry, to love and worship. It was so beautiful that tears sprung from her eyes like a geyser.

"I… I love you!" She wrapped her arms around its neck before wrapping her legs around the middle. Only then did Zero see what he was.

"A…a…" His eyes widened. How the hell was he in love with such a strange creature such as Yuuki?!

Just at that moment… Kaname walked in.

"Yuuki! I found that whip--!!" He had an instant heart attack. Standing before him was a pink unicorn with a rainbow mane and horn.

Lesson of the day: If you don't like rice, don't eat it! Simple as that! Drink an amp!

**VKCRACK:** Now… fear the failure. I'm going to write more and hopefully write something worthwhile.


End file.
